Things that Go BUMP in my Mind

Knitting, stitching, reading, gardening, cooking--I have no time for any of it.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Breaking news...

Lausanne, Switzerland--The International Olympic Committee today announced a new Olympic sport for the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing, China: Toddler Ointment Application. The news was greeted with joy by athletic mothers everywhere. "It's about time," said Jenny Kilgore, a former competitive swimmer and mother of three. "I never knew what a workout was until little Alex got poison ivy last summer."

The competition will require an individual mother to apply a topical medication to the legs, arm, and face of a child between the ages of 18 months and three years. Athletes will be scored along several axes. First, contestants will be timed as they apply the ointment. Second, points will be awarded for thoroughness and accuracy of application, the creativity and effectiveness of immobilization techniques, and the ability to maintain a realistic-looking smile throughout the process. These points will be multiplied by the degree of difficulty, which will be gauged according to the size and strength of the toddler, the viscosity of the medication, and whether the toddler laughs or cries during the application process. Points will be deducted for the use of foul language and threats to sell the toddler to the gypsies.

Despite the rigors of the training process, many mothers are eager to compete in the new sport. "Heck, I have to do this anyway," said Kirsten Little, mother of a two year old with chronic eczema. "I might as well see if I can get a gold medal out of it." Little's younger son, who has been her training partner, simply giggled when asked about the competition. He then demonstrated his famous "arch and twist" maneuver, which defeats most immobilization techniques and has the added benefit of smearing just-applied ointment all over everything (another deduction). Little sighed and said, "Okay, goober, let's try this again."

She looks to be tough to beat in upcoming pre-Olympic competitions.


  • At 9:43 PM, Blogger Erin said…

    Snicker, snort. I have to laugh now. This won't be funny soon, I'm sure. Chuckle.


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